This is going to be graphic - but you asked. Now sit down and listen.
What is a miscarriage?
Miscarriage is the physical pain of giving birth to a baby, coupled with the emotional pain of having a child die.
Most people - people who have never had the unfortunate experience of going through a miscarriage personally - don't realize that when a woman has a miscarriage, she goes through labor and delivery, just as she would if the pregnancy had continued progressing. The process is the same. Contractions begin. They get closer together. She pushes and expels what would have become a precious child. Then, she bleeds for several days or weeks - every trip to the bathroom a reminder of what might have been.
Whether it happens at 6 weeks or 9 weeks or 14 weeks or 18 weeks, a child is a child no matter how small. The length of time a child is in the womb has very little to do with how "hard" labor is.
Contrary to popular belief, a miscarriage is not "like a period". Periods do not produce placentas and amniotic sacs and tissue and babies. There is a huge difference between light cramps and the contractions needed to expel what the medical professionals refer to as "products of conception", but mothers refer to as a precious child.
What does she miscarry? She misses carrying a baby to term. She misses feeling little kicks and the bond that comes from being able to anticipate when the baby will move and squirm.
She misses the opportunity to choose names and pick nursery bedding and watch her belly bloom as the child inside her grows.
She misses looking into the eyes of her child as soon as he is released, with that final push and she picks him up in her arms and sees the child she has dreamed about for nine months.
She misses the thought of the first time he rolls over, starts crawling, first steps, first day of school, first tooth lost, first haircut, first crush, first date, his driver's permit, his graduation and his wedding day.
No matter what they say...this is not a clump of tissue that just didn't develop correctly. It is a dream. Paradise lost. And it hurts.
Understanding is the first step in healing...
You just heard that a friend has started spotting and is beginning to miscarry. What do you do?
What most people do is retreat. Afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, they walk away and do nothing. THAT IS THE WRONG THING.
So what is the RIGHT thing?
The right thing is to try to imagine that YOUR precious child has passed away. Your giggling toddler, or your blossoming school girl - your brave young man with that little piece of hair that always sticks up in the wrong place. You are distraught. You are grief stricken. You are in denial and in the most pain you have ever been in in your entire life.
What would you want someone to do for you? Bring a meal to your family so you don't have to think about food? Send flowers saying, "I love you!" Take your pet to their house so you don't have to think about the needs of anyone else?
Whatever you can imagine would be helpful in that situation - just do it.
Whatever you do, DO NOT TEXT YOUR FRIEND and ask, "Do you need anything?" or "Can I do anything for you?"
Yes, she needs something. She needs her child back. She also needs food and nourishment. She needs someone to lift the burden of everyday day to day things from her back so she doesn't have to think about them. Do not make her beg. Who wants to say, "Yeah, could you pick up a few pizzas for us?" No one. That's who. Just do it!
Whether they NEED a meal or not, you have NO IDEA how it feels to be loved when someone goes out of their way to DO something instead of asking if they can. Make Nike proud.
Do not stick around after you drop off the food, unless she wants you to. If she wants to talk, then stay. Stay forever if you have to, but just do it. It is possible that although you have been her best friend and you have been together through thick and thin, she just may want to be left alone right now. That's perfectly reasonable. If her needs are taken care of, then respect her and go. Let her know you love her and are thinking about her and you will be there the second she is ready to talk. It may be awhile. It may be tomorrow. It may be next week. Follow her lead.
Acknowledge her child. Did they name him/her? Call him by name. "I'm so sorry about (insert name here). I love you. I am here for you."
Remember her husband, too. ESPECIALLY if you are a man. He has also lost a child. If he had lost a 10 year old son instead of a 10 week old pre-born child, would you ignore him at church or ask him how work is going? ACKNOWLEDGE his pain. Validate his child. Give him a hug. He is hurting just as much as his wife, and maybe even more, given that he is helpless to "do" something. He can't "fix" this. He just has to stand by and watch. He is grieving. Recognize that.
Hug her children. The baby they were hoping for and picking names for is not going to be joining the family as they had hoped. Even if they are young and can only understand that the baby is "with Jesus in Heaven", love them. It's OK to talk about it. It's OK to say you are sorry. They will always remember that you hugged them and cried with them when they hurt.
Don't think you will help her "take her mind off things" by engaging in mindless chatter. Don't say, "By the way, you know that thing we were talking about the other day..." She won't care. Her child has just died. Her dreams have just died. Don't make her try to be polite in the midst of her pain. If you must talk, talk about her and what she needs.
ABOVE ALL - don't stay away because you are afraid of saying the wrong thing. She probably won't even remember what you said - but she will remember if you were absent and she will remember if you stopped what you were doing to let her know that you are grieving with her.
MOST IMPORTANTLY - NEVER - no never - say things like:
-"Well, at least you weren't that far along." (Totally irrelevant. A child is a child no matter how small.)
-"At least you have other children." (THIS child is irreplaceable.)
- "You can have more." (Would you say to a grieving widow, "You can always get another husband."?)
- "It is God's will." (That's a whole theological kettle of fish for another time.)
- "Hey, are you going to be there Tuesday?" (Her world just stopped. She has no idea what she will be doing Tuesday, nor does she care.)
Did you get it yet? HER CHILD HAS DIED!!!
Don't pretend that nothing significant has happened.
WHAT DO you say??
You say,
- "I'm so, so, so sorry."
- "I am here for you."
- "What can I do?" (You can ask, but don't believe her when she says she's fine.)
- "What would you like for dinner? Is there anything your family would prefer?"
SHOULD YOU BRING A GIFT?
Yep.
Anything that says, "YOU ARE LOVED" is appropriate.
Flowers
A sympathy card or "thinking of you" card
A gift with the baby's name on it
It doesn't even have to cost money. It just has to say, "I love you."
Above all - LIFT HER and her HUSBAND and her CHILDREN before the throne of grace. Ask God to heal her heart. Ask God to heal her body. Ask God to give you wisdom and show you how you can be a friend to them.
Make a note on your calendar to check in on her. Remember the anniversary of the death of her child. Make it a point to follow up. Eventually, the wound will scab over and heal, but the scar will always remain.
By the way, how do I know this stuff? I'm not a medical professional. I am a Mom who six times has gone through labor to bury hopes and dreams. I've been there. It's old hat, unfortunately, and sometimes friends just feel like, "Here we go again. I really don't have time for this right now," Unfortunately, the Mom can't make that choice. We're in this together, I promise you that if you are there for her now, there will come a day when you need someone to love on you and someone will. Pay it forward.
FURTHER READING:
Another excellent article can be found here:
Why miscarriage matters when you're pro-life
Coping with a Miscarriage: Biblical Words of Encouragement
Precious in His Sight: Today's Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah
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