7 in Heaven

I am numb.  I don't even know how to begin or what to say, except, for the third time in a year, a baby has left my womb to join the ever growing part of our family in heaven.  Nine on earth.  Seven in heaven.

Sarah Lanae was the name God gave her.  Sarah - God's Princess.  Lanae - Light.

I got to keep her for 8 weeks - only a month that I was aware of her presence.  August 20th - my Mom's birthday - came with a positive pregnancy test and the realization that I hadn't had much luck with live babies lately, and "here we go again"...  Then, I got sick.  Really sick.  Nausea like you wouldn't believe.  And the pregnancy tests got darker and darker, indicating high levels of pregnancy hormone.  Hope.  Maybe... just maybe.

And, a mission trip to Peru is in the works.  I leave October 3rd.  I would be 10 weeks.  My other losses were at 9 weeks.  What if... who wants to have a miscarriage in the middle of the jungle with no flushing toilets? Not me.  There's only one thing to do...

T.R.U.S.T.  G.O.D.

I knew the odds were against me, but I also knew that I just read in Deuteronomy 32:39 that God said, "I am He, and there is no god besides Me; It is I who put to death and give life."

I also read Isaiah 14:24: "The LORD of Heaven's Armies has sworn this oath: "It will all happen as I have planned. It will be as I have decided."

There is a lot going on behind the scenes... something big is in the works with this Peru trip.  God has given me an incredible burden for the trip, and for one man in particular.  That man would be the key to major change as he is a powerful man and serves a false god.  But God said (a few lines up) ...there is NO god besides Me.  God is keeping him before my mind's eye.  When I awake, he is on my mind.  Throughout the day, he comes to mind and I pray for his salvation.  His name is the last name on my lips as I close my eyes at night.

So, September 16th, a couple days before my birthday, I was getting ready to go to praise band practice.  I went to the bathroom, and in an instant was struck with the reality that somewhere down deep in my heart, I knew, but was afraid to say it in case that little bit of hope would be quashed.

Blood.

I sighed and said out loud, "Oh no.  God! WHY are we doing this AGAIN!?!"

And in that moment, I heard God's voice loud and clear.  Almost audibly, but in any case, I heard Him speak to me.  He said,

"I knew Job would not fail me.  I knew Job would not bend. I knew Job would not break. But, Satan didn't know that.  I HAD to let Satan test him so that HE would know the kind of man Job was. And THAT is why we are doing this again."

The Bible says in the first chapter of Job that Satan came before God and sought permission to try Job.  I felt like he had done the same thing to me.  God was telling me three things:

1) I give life and I take it away, but;
2) I allowed Satan to use this situation as a tool to try you - to prove a point - you are not going to fail me; and
3) You will get through this and I will restore you and bless you as I did Job.

You would think that the knowledge I had gained through the previous two losses (or 6, for that matter) would sustain me.  You would think that I had it all figured out.  (Didn't I say that a few blog posts back?)  But, no.  I went through the hardest Spiritual battle of my life!  The miscarriage was only a small part of what I went through (and am still going through!)  I hit rock bottom, spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Not only that, but my friends who are going on the trip with me were hit with major battles as well. As I write this, one friend's husband is in the hospital with an infection in his leg.  Another friend is sitting in the ICU with her Mom.

We're 10 days out from getting on a plane...

I'm still numb and I don't think I can really process this until I get back home from Peru.  I need to see the rest of this unfold. In the meantime, I will honor the memory of my precious babies.

Poppy and Bibby

On my birthday, as I passed tissue and handed my gift back to God, I took a walk up to our pond.  As I was standing there alone, crying, I thought about my grandmother and felt like if she was there, she would want to comfort me.  I said out loud, "Bibby, please hold little Sarah for me until I get there. Let her know she is loved."  The reply came, "Poppy (my grandfather) is already bouncing her on his knee and singing her a little song."  And I knew he would be.  He did that with all the babies.  I could even hear the song.

Poppy with one of his babies

Now, when I think of Sarah, that's where she is.  Sitting on Poppy's knee, giggling while he bounces her - in a rocking chair, on the front porch of his mansion.  If my other kids there are anything like their mother, they're running in and out of the house, probably with a piece of bologna or cornbread.  Bibby's probably taking the Kleenex out of her pocket and wiping the gold dust off their chins and slapping them on the rump as they run off the porch to play in the garden.

My Dad always says, "Heaven's sounding sweeter all the time."  I would say, "I can't wait to get there and meet them!" but Poppy would say, "Don't wish your life away.  God's not finished with you yet."

And I know that.  This is just another piece to a really big puzzle and the picture is all coming together.  Someday, I'll figure out what it is God is making me into.  Until then... all I can do is TRUST.

To be continued...