Homeschool Planning 2015-16

Last year, we continued our Multi-Grade curriculum in My Father's World.

So far, we have completed:

• Exploring Countries and Cultures;
  

• Creation to the Greeks;
  

• Rome to the Reformation; and
  

• Exploration to 1850.
  
  

We have been extremely satisfied with this curriculum and it has worked well for teaching several children in various grades. However, last year, we didn't find it as satisfying.

Exploration to 1850 seems to be a little repetitive in information I didn't feel was important for my children to learn. The kids bored easily of much of the reading and I'm pretty sure Charlotte Mason would have considered some of the reading material "twaddle". By the end of the year, the kids were so done (moreso than usual) with school, and I could tell, as an 18 year homeschool veteran, that it was time for change.

I sat down with my elementary aged kids and had that "so what do you want to do now" conversation. When I asked them what was the most fun they had had learning, they described things Charlotte Mason would have been doing in her classes. I went back and brushed up on CM methods, and started paying more attention to the things the kids were naturally interested in. As we went for walks down our dirt road, I listened to the questions they asked and the things they talked about.
For instance, "Mom, look at that yellow bird over there. What kind of bird is it?" or "Look at the clouds! Don't they look cool today?"

I know in my heart that the Charlotte Mason Method is and has always been the best way for MY family to learn. Her ideas resonate with me and I have seen success in my kids. As soon as we closed the books and got our homeschool evaluations out of the way, I sat down and started planning out what I hope is to be the BEST HOMESCHOOL YEAR EVER!!!So here's what we're doing when school starts the end of this month...

My 10th Graders:

I have two 10th graders. One chose to do Cyber School last year and was not happy at all by the end of the year, so she is going back to traditional homeschooling this year. The other high-schooler used My Father's World 9th Grade - Ancient History and Literature.

After hearing rave reviews of Easy-Peasy All in One Homeschool from friends, we have decided to use a combination of My Father's World - World History and Literature - High School Year 2 curriculum for Bible, History and Literature and Easy-Peasy for Geometry, Chemistry and Spanish.
They will be working independently for the most part, with scheduled parent meetings on Fridays.
They will also be working on a Research Paper in the first Quarter, and I will be working on that with them. (As a former English Major, I can't let them have all the fun without me!!) :)My 7th Grader:
I had my whole year planned out for my 7th Grader, 5th Grader and 4th Grader to work together, until my Intrapersonal Learner begged me to let her do Easy-Peasy 7th Grade on her own, (Besides her learning style, I also know that her best friend is doing Easy-Peasy. ;)) SO, knowing that I have to do what's best for HER, we sat down and planned out her year.

I am sad that she will miss out on all the fun things I had planned, but I also know that she doesn't share my opinion of what's fun on a lot of things, and that's fine because God made her the way she is because He plans to use her in an area she has strengths in. :)

My 5th and 4th Graders:

While my older kids are pretty self-motivated and need me only to keep them accountable and help where needed, these two still need hands-on teaching on my part, so my mornings will be spent hanging with them and my Kindergartner and my Pre-Schooler. The 4 of them will be my dream team and we'll be having lots of fun together.

Here's a subject by subject breakdown of what our year will look like:


BIBLE: Our whole family (with the exception of my oldest son who will be spending his mornings at the local high school in Vo-Tech) will be doing Bible all together, right after breakfast. We will be using The Picture Smart Bible - New Testament. This is an awesome program and I am super excited to use it.

In this innovative Bible study program, an overview of an entire book is illustrated on a single page that you can keep as a reference. When you are finished, you will have an illustration to save and an imprint on your mind to remember. 

ENGLISH: We will be using Write from Early Modern History and Write from Modern History for the last Quarter.  Since we will be studying Early Modern History in History this year, we will use this material for their English so that everything goes together.  Their Art and Music will also correlate with the History that we are studying.  This material uses the Charlotte Mason Method to introduce Copywork and Narration, Studied Dictation, Poetry and Grammar. 

Character Study will also be a part of their English course.  We will study 3 different character traits each quarter and do copywork, scripture memorization and hymn study based on each trait.


MATH:  Each student will be doing Math for their grade level.  This year we will be using K12 Math Workbooks to learn and practice concepts.  For 14 weeks beginning the 2nd Quarter and part of the 3rd Quarter, we will be doing a Simply Charlotte Mason Business Math program where the kids will pretend they own a Pet Store and they will manage all the inventory, paying bills, having sales, etc. to put their math to use in an every day situation.


HISTORY:  I am so excited about history this year.  As I said, they ended up not enjoying history much last year.  As a result, I don't think they really "got" all the important stuff because there was so much unimportant stuff mixed in,  We're going to go back and recap some of the things I think they need to take a fresh look at in a way that they will enjoy.


We will be using the American Girl Historical Book Series to teach history this year.  We will begin the year by recapping some of last year's history and do a little more intensive study on Daniel Boone in the first week.  We will be capping that week off with a trip to Fort Boonesborough in Kentucky.On the way to Kentucky, we will be listening to the Audio Book, Daniel Boone Frontiersman, from the Heroes of History Series by Janet & Geoff Benge.

• 1st Quarter: When we return from our trip and family reunion, we will begin the series on Kaya, Kaya is a Nez Perce Indian growing up in 1764 in the Northwest. Kaya’s stories are set at the height of Nez Perce horse culture, before direct contact with whites began changing their way of life. Her stories show what it was like to grow up as a Nez Perce. As we read all six books in the Kaya series, we will be learning about Native American culture, not only in regard to the Nez Perce tribe, but also the Native Americans that lived in our area. (We'll also spend some time on a unit study on horses while we learn about the horses of the West.)
  

• 2nd Quarter: We will learn about Colonial Williamsburg and the Revolutionary War, the French and Indian War, George Washington, Paul Revere, Ben Franklin, Betsy Ross and other events in Colonial history as we read the American Girl Book Series on Felicity, a girl who lived during the American Revolution. We are hoping to be able to attend the Spring Homeschool Days at Williamsburg to cap off this study!!!
  

• 3rd Quarter: We will be entrenched in Pioneer Times while reading about Kirsten, a Swedish immigrant whose family settles on the prairie in 1854. We will cover the Westward Expansion, Immigration and Pioneer Life, the Oregon Trail, the Gold Rush and Midwest America.
  

• 4th Quarter: We will be studying the Civil War, Abraham Lincoln, Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad. We hope to end the year with a trip to Gettysburg where we will read the Gettysburg Address in the same spot that Lincoln originally presented it. In this quarter, we will be reading the Addy books, the story of Addy Walker, a nine-year-old girl born into slavery who escapes to freedom in Philadelphia during the Civil War.
  

SCIENCE: This year in Science we are doing child-led learning, based on the topics the kids have been interested in. We will be learning Constellations throughout the whole year as the seasons change. We will do this 1 day a week throughout the whole school year.

We will also be doing a weekly Nature walk to study our local plants and animal life at various seasons of the year which we will record in Nature Notebooks.

• The 1st Quarter, we will be identifying backyard birds. We will be visiting the Roger Tory Peterson Institute of Natural History and the Audubon Society.
  

• The 2nd Quarter, we will do a study on Weather which will include recording the weather daily and comparing the forecasts of several weather services. We hope to visit the Weather Center in Punxsutawney.
  

• We will be studying Moon Phases in the 3rd Quarter and taking photos of the moon each night to document the phases.
• The final Quarter of the year, we will do an intense study on Clouds, including experiments, observation and identifying cloud types and formations. Cloud poetry and art work will be included in our unit.

SPANISH:  Charlotte Mason believed that one should learn their second language the same way they learned their first...first, by hearing it spoken, then speaking it and finally writing it.

We will be learning Spanish using this method. We will incorporate Spanish into various parts of our school day. We will begin each morning by reciting the day of the week and the month and day of the year. As we study weather, we will learn weather terms in Spanish. We will learn vocabulary for bird watching and clouds and constellations. We will look for opportunities to use Spanish throughout the day.

We will also be using two different texts. Poca A Poco is a book written in the early 1900s that uses the full immersion method to teach. We will also use a Textbook called The Fun Spanish which uses the Charlotte Mason method to teach one phrase at a time. We will be learning a new phrase each day.



ART: Our Art Classes will consist of three parts this year. 

• First, we will be keeping an Art Journal while learning to draw, paint and use other mediums to make Art we enjoy. We will be using the book, The Lamb's Book of Art by Barry Stebbing. We will also be Keeping a Nature Journal as part of our Science Lessons.
  

• Secondly, we will be doing Picture Study as prescribed by Charlotte Mason to teach observation. The pictures we study will be famous works of art by well known artists in themes that coincide with other things we are learning. For instance, we will study the art of Roger Tory Petersen and John James Audubon in our first quarter as we study birds. We will study various works of art containing clouds as we do our cloud study. This will include Vincent Van Gogh's Wheat Field Under Threatening Skies, George Inness' Passing Clouds and Clouds, Lake Superior by Lawrence Harris.
  

• Thirdly, we will be making art as part of our History series. Part of Charlotte Mason's Method included time for Handicrafts. In the 1st Quarter, we will be making several Native American crafts. Our 2nd Quarter will include various Colonial Era crafts, and our 3rd Quarter will include Pioneer crafts. Our final Quarter, we will study Civil War Era crafts.
  

MUSIC: Our Music Classes this year will also consist of three parts. 

•  First, we will be doing Composer Study. We will be studying the works of a different composer each quarter and learning a little about them. We will listen to their works while we draw, paint and work on handicrafts. This year's composers are Bach, Handel, Beethoven and Debussy.
  

• Secondly, we will be learning music theory. One day a week will be spent learning the names of the notes, types of notes, rests and scales. We will then apply that knowledge to a piano keyboard.
  

• Thirdly, we will listen to, discuss and study three different Hymns each Quarter to correspond with the Character Trait we are learning. For instance, in the 1st part of the 1st Quarter, our Character Trait is Gratitude. We will learn a Thanksgiving Hymn. We will learn a corresponding Hymn for each trait we are focusing on. If time permits, we will also learn some folk songs and songs from the eras we are studying in History.
  
  
  
  

My Kindergartner and Pre-Schooler:


Charlotte Mason said, "The chief function of the child--his business in the world during the first six or seven years of his life--is to find out all he can, about whatever comes under his notice, by means of his five senses; that he has an insatiable appetite for knowledge got in this way; and that, therefore, the endeavour of his parents should be to put him in the way of making acquaintance freely with Nature and natural objects. . . ."


My 5 year old is already learning to read and write and is ready to get to work, so we will take things slow and work on reading and phonics and other subjects as she shows interest, but mostly we'll just do things that she enjoys.  I don't plan to use a Kindergarten Curriculum, but instead, fill their days with as many outside activities as possible and lots of reading of living books.


My 3 year old also is showing interest in a lot of areas proving her to be developmentally advanced for her age, so we will just follow her lead as to what she wants to learn.


They will both go on Nature walks with us and keep their own Nature Notebooks (which they started in July because they found some flowers they wanted to put in it).  They will sit in on the history reading and Bible lessons and Art and Music and they will definitely be part of the Science studies. They won't be forced to participate and they can come and go as they please, but they are already showing a great deal of curiosity in a lot of areas.  I think the two youngest already know more Spanish than their older siblings! :)


I want these early years to be fun and exciting and filled with joy and laughter as they learn through their curiosity.  I did buy them some workbooks (Pre-School and Kindergarten) for them to work on at the table while the other two are doing book work.  I think this year will be lots of fun for them.
So that's it.  I'm excited about School this year and I have to admit, while in previous years it seemed like the Summer just flew by and school was starting before you could blink, this year, I've really enjoyed our Summer and I can't believe we have a whole month left before we start school August 31st.  I hope to keep up with this blog throughout the year and highlight fun projects and adventures we go on.

"Children in these early years should be working with concrete objects from the real world, like planting a flower and watching it grow. Between hearing great stories and spending time with nature, you'll be amazed what they'll learn. "

7 in Heaven

I am numb.  I don't even know how to begin or what to say, except, for the third time in a year, a baby has left my womb to join the ever growing part of our family in heaven.  Nine on earth.  Seven in heaven.

Sarah Lanae was the name God gave her.  Sarah - God's Princess.  Lanae - Light.

I got to keep her for 8 weeks - only a month that I was aware of her presence.  August 20th - my Mom's birthday - came with a positive pregnancy test and the realization that I hadn't had much luck with live babies lately, and "here we go again"...  Then, I got sick.  Really sick.  Nausea like you wouldn't believe.  And the pregnancy tests got darker and darker, indicating high levels of pregnancy hormone.  Hope.  Maybe... just maybe.

And, a mission trip to Peru is in the works.  I leave October 3rd.  I would be 10 weeks.  My other losses were at 9 weeks.  What if... who wants to have a miscarriage in the middle of the jungle with no flushing toilets? Not me.  There's only one thing to do...

T.R.U.S.T.  G.O.D.

I knew the odds were against me, but I also knew that I just read in Deuteronomy 32:39 that God said, "I am He, and there is no god besides Me; It is I who put to death and give life."

I also read Isaiah 14:24: "The LORD of Heaven's Armies has sworn this oath: "It will all happen as I have planned. It will be as I have decided."

There is a lot going on behind the scenes... something big is in the works with this Peru trip.  God has given me an incredible burden for the trip, and for one man in particular.  That man would be the key to major change as he is a powerful man and serves a false god.  But God said (a few lines up) ...there is NO god besides Me.  God is keeping him before my mind's eye.  When I awake, he is on my mind.  Throughout the day, he comes to mind and I pray for his salvation.  His name is the last name on my lips as I close my eyes at night.

So, September 16th, a couple days before my birthday, I was getting ready to go to praise band practice.  I went to the bathroom, and in an instant was struck with the reality that somewhere down deep in my heart, I knew, but was afraid to say it in case that little bit of hope would be quashed.

Blood.

I sighed and said out loud, "Oh no.  God! WHY are we doing this AGAIN!?!"

And in that moment, I heard God's voice loud and clear.  Almost audibly, but in any case, I heard Him speak to me.  He said,

"I knew Job would not fail me.  I knew Job would not bend. I knew Job would not break. But, Satan didn't know that.  I HAD to let Satan test him so that HE would know the kind of man Job was. And THAT is why we are doing this again."

The Bible says in the first chapter of Job that Satan came before God and sought permission to try Job.  I felt like he had done the same thing to me.  God was telling me three things:

1) I give life and I take it away, but;
2) I allowed Satan to use this situation as a tool to try you - to prove a point - you are not going to fail me; and
3) You will get through this and I will restore you and bless you as I did Job.

You would think that the knowledge I had gained through the previous two losses (or 6, for that matter) would sustain me.  You would think that I had it all figured out.  (Didn't I say that a few blog posts back?)  But, no.  I went through the hardest Spiritual battle of my life!  The miscarriage was only a small part of what I went through (and am still going through!)  I hit rock bottom, spiritually, emotionally and physically.

Not only that, but my friends who are going on the trip with me were hit with major battles as well. As I write this, one friend's husband is in the hospital with an infection in his leg.  Another friend is sitting in the ICU with her Mom.

We're 10 days out from getting on a plane...

I'm still numb and I don't think I can really process this until I get back home from Peru.  I need to see the rest of this unfold. In the meantime, I will honor the memory of my precious babies.

Poppy and Bibby

On my birthday, as I passed tissue and handed my gift back to God, I took a walk up to our pond.  As I was standing there alone, crying, I thought about my grandmother and felt like if she was there, she would want to comfort me.  I said out loud, "Bibby, please hold little Sarah for me until I get there. Let her know she is loved."  The reply came, "Poppy (my grandfather) is already bouncing her on his knee and singing her a little song."  And I knew he would be.  He did that with all the babies.  I could even hear the song.

Poppy with one of his babies

Now, when I think of Sarah, that's where she is.  Sitting on Poppy's knee, giggling while he bounces her - in a rocking chair, on the front porch of his mansion.  If my other kids there are anything like their mother, they're running in and out of the house, probably with a piece of bologna or cornbread.  Bibby's probably taking the Kleenex out of her pocket and wiping the gold dust off their chins and slapping them on the rump as they run off the porch to play in the garden.

My Dad always says, "Heaven's sounding sweeter all the time."  I would say, "I can't wait to get there and meet them!" but Poppy would say, "Don't wish your life away.  God's not finished with you yet."

And I know that.  This is just another piece to a really big puzzle and the picture is all coming together.  Someday, I'll figure out what it is God is making me into.  Until then... all I can do is TRUST.

To be continued...

What to do when a friend has a miscarriage

This is going to be graphic - but you asked.  Now sit down and listen.

What is a miscarriage?

Miscarriage is the physical pain of giving birth to a baby, coupled with the emotional pain of having a child die.

Most people - people who have never had the unfortunate experience of going through a miscarriage personally - don't realize that when a woman has a miscarriage, she goes through labor and delivery, just as she would if the pregnancy had continued progressing.  The process is the same.  Contractions begin.  They get closer together.  She pushes and expels what would have become a precious child.  Then, she bleeds for several days or weeks - every trip to the bathroom a reminder of what might have been.

Whether it happens at 6 weeks or 9 weeks or 14 weeks or 18 weeks, a child is a child no matter how small. The length of time a child is in the womb has very little to do with how "hard" labor is.

Contrary to popular belief, a miscarriage is not "like a period".  Periods do not produce placentas and amniotic sacs and tissue and babies.  There is a huge difference between light cramps and the contractions needed to expel what the medical professionals refer to as "products of conception", but mothers refer to as a precious child.

What does she miscarry?  She misses carrying a baby to term.  She misses feeling little kicks and the bond that comes from being able to anticipate when the baby will move and squirm.

She misses the opportunity to choose names and pick nursery bedding and watch her belly bloom as the child inside her grows.

She misses looking into the eyes of her child as soon as he is released, with that final push and she picks him up in her arms and sees the child she has dreamed about for nine months.

She misses the thought of the first time he rolls over, starts crawling, first steps, first day of school, first tooth lost, first haircut, first crush, first date, his driver's permit, his graduation and his wedding day.

No matter what they say...this is not a clump of tissue that just didn't develop correctly.  It is a dream.  Paradise lost.  And it hurts.

Understanding is the first step in healing...

You just heard that a friend has started spotting and is beginning to miscarry.  What do you do?

What most people do is retreat.  Afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, they walk away and do nothing. THAT IS THE WRONG THING.

So what is the RIGHT thing?

The right thing is to try to imagine that YOUR precious child has passed away.  Your giggling toddler, or your blossoming school girl - your brave young man with that little piece of hair that always sticks up in the wrong place.  You are distraught.  You are grief stricken.  You are in denial and in the most pain you have ever been in in your entire life.

What would you want someone to do for you?  Bring a meal to your family so you don't have to think about food?  Send flowers saying, "I love you!"  Take your pet to their house so you don't have to think about the needs of anyone else?

Whatever you can imagine would be helpful in that situation - just do it.

Whatever you do, DO NOT TEXT YOUR FRIEND and ask, "Do you need anything?" or "Can I do anything for you?"

Yes, she needs something.  She needs her child back.  She also needs food and nourishment.  She needs someone to lift the burden of everyday day to day things from her back so she doesn't have to think about them.  Do not make her beg.  Who wants to say, "Yeah, could you pick up a few pizzas for us?"  No one. That's who.  Just do it!

Whether they NEED a meal or not, you have NO IDEA how it feels to be loved when someone goes out of their way to DO something instead of asking if they can.  Make Nike proud.

Do not stick around after you drop off the food, unless she wants you to.  If she wants to talk, then stay. Stay forever if you have to, but just do it.  It is possible that although you have been her best friend and you have been together through thick and thin, she just may want to be left alone right now.  That's perfectly reasonable.  If her needs are taken care of, then respect her and go.  Let her know you love her and are thinking about her and you will be there the second she is ready to talk.  It may be awhile.  It may be tomorrow.  It may be next week.  Follow her lead.

Acknowledge her child.  Did they name him/her?  Call him by name.  "I'm so sorry about (insert name here).  I love you. I am here for you."

Remember her husband, too.  ESPECIALLY if you are a man.  He has also lost a child.  If he had lost a 10 year old son instead of a 10 week old pre-born child, would you ignore him at church or ask him how work is going?  ACKNOWLEDGE his pain.  Validate his child.  Give him a hug.  He is hurting just as much as his wife, and maybe even more, given that he is helpless to "do" something.  He can't "fix" this. He just has to stand by and watch.  He is grieving.  Recognize that.

Hug her children.  The baby they were hoping for and picking names for is not going to be joining the family as they had hoped.  Even if they are young and can only understand that the baby is "with Jesus in Heaven", love them.  It's OK to talk about it.  It's OK to say you are sorry.  They will always remember that you hugged them and cried with them when they hurt.

Don't think you will help her "take her mind off things" by engaging in mindless chatter.  Don't say, "By the way, you know that thing we were talking about the other day..."  She won't care.  Her child has just died. Her dreams have just died.  Don't make her try to be polite in the midst of her pain.  If you must talk, talk about her and what she needs.

ABOVE ALL - don't stay away because you are afraid of saying the wrong thing.  She probably won't even remember what you said - but she will remember if you were absent and she will remember if you stopped what you were doing to let her know that you are grieving with her.

MOST IMPORTANTLY - NEVER - no never - say things like:

-"Well, at least you weren't that far along."  (Totally irrelevant.  A child is a child no matter how small.)
-"At least you have other children." (THIS child is irreplaceable.)
- "You can have more." (Would you say to a grieving widow, "You can always get another husband."?)
- "It is God's will." (That's a whole theological kettle of fish for another time.)
- "Hey, are you going to be there Tuesday?" (Her world just stopped.  She has no idea what she will be doing Tuesday, nor does she care.)

Did you get it yet?  HER CHILD HAS DIED!!!

Don't pretend that nothing significant has happened.

WHAT DO you say??

You say,
- "I'm so, so, so sorry."
- "I am here for you."
- "What can I do?"  (You can ask, but don't believe her when she says she's fine.)
- "What would you like for dinner? Is there anything your family would prefer?"

SHOULD YOU BRING A GIFT?

Yep.

Anything that says, "YOU ARE LOVED" is appropriate.
Flowers
A sympathy card or "thinking of you" card
A gift with the baby's name on it
It doesn't even have to cost money.  It just has to say, "I love you."

Above all - LIFT HER and her HUSBAND and her CHILDREN before the throne of grace.  Ask God to heal her heart.  Ask God to heal her body.  Ask God to give you wisdom and show you how you can be a friend to them.

Make a note on your calendar to check in on her.  Remember the anniversary of the death of her child. Make it a point to follow up.  Eventually, the wound will scab over and heal, but the scar will always remain.

By the way, how do I know this stuff?  I'm not a medical professional.  I am a Mom who six times has gone through labor to bury hopes and dreams.  I've been there.  It's old hat, unfortunately, and sometimes friends just feel like, "Here we go again.  I really don't have time for this right now,"  Unfortunately, the Mom can't make that choice.  We're in this together,  I promise you that if you are there for her now, there will come a day when you need someone to love on you and someone will.  Pay it forward.

FURTHER READING:

Another excellent article can be found here:

Why miscarriage matters when you're pro-life

Coping with a Miscarriage: Biblical Words of Encouragement

Precious in His Sight: Today's Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah

Laying up Treasure in Heaven

But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust does corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. - Matthew 6:20-21

So here we are - nearly five months since our little Andrew Stephen visited me in a dream, said goodbye and went to heaven.  Since then, I healed physically, got back on track with my diet and health, and felt the emotional healing that was so needed. 

I have set up a soapbox on Facebook and in my circle of friends to champion the cause of Mothers and Fathers whose children die before birth.  I want our society to know that a child is a child, no matter how small.  The death of a 10 week old child in the womb IS equivalent to the death of a 10 week old child out of the womb --  Or a 10 month old, or a 10 year old.  A child is a child, no matter how small...

So it came as a complete surprise in January to see two pink lines on the pregnancy test.  I was pregnant three months - almost to the day - of saying goodbye to Andrew.  I am 45 years old. Everything I've read says that it's next to impossible to get pregnant at that age.  I don't have a problem getting pregnant.  I have a problem staying pregnant.

My first thought was anger. I was mad that this was happening again.  I thought I had learned all the lessons and was ready to move on.  Now I could come alongside others who were hurting and help them handle the hurt.  I didn't want to hurt again.

At first, I didn't have a lot of pregnancy symptoms.  No aversion to coffee - very little nausea.  But then as time went on, I started feeling more and more pregnant.

By 8 weeks, I felt like I just needed to know what was ahead.  I made an appointment with a midwife to have a sonogram to see what we were looking at.  Was there a baby? Was there a heartbeat? We just needed to know.

We went to the appointment and when they did the sonogram, there on the screen in front of me was the image of my womb.  And there was a large black hole.  There was no baby.  There was no heartbeat.  Just emptiness.

We went back into the exam room and the midwife came in and said she was sorry.  She gave me the run down of what to expect.  She said within the next couple of weeks, the miscarriage would start.  She told me what to do for pain and bleeding,  Then she said, if nothing happens in the next two weeks, she wanted to see me back in the office to repeat the sonogram.  So...there is no hope, but just in case, we'll look again and see if the sack is still empty.

I cried on the way home.  I texted my friends and family and told them the news.  The pregnancy has stopped progressing.  The miscarriage should start in the next week or so...

We went to lunch at Red Lobster.  We smiled. We talked.  We tried to pretend that I was not carrying around a perfect little placenta and an empty sack with the tiniest little remnants of our child in it.

Then we went home.  We told the children that the baby was in heaven with Jesus.  At least I could start shopping for a dress for our oldest daughter's wedding.  It wasn't going to be a maternity dress.  I could start fundraising for my planned trip to Peru in September.  I wasn't going to be having a baby in September.

I sent a message to my homebirth group on Facebook and told them the prognosis.  One of my friends said, "Hey, don't you have a tilted uterus?  There's a pretty high incidence of misdiagnosed blighted ovums in early sonograms when you have a tilted uterus.  Check it out."  So I did.  I read story after story after story of women who had gone for an early sonogram and had been told the sack was empty, only to have the baby show up on the next sonogram.  They all had a tilted uterus.

And mine is tilted.  Majorly tilted.  My babies all hang out posterior.  My cervix points at my rectum instead of forward.  Up until giving birth, I have all manner of knees and elbows protruding out the front of my belly instead of a butt and a nice smooth back.  "They just fit better that way.  That's just the way you are made."  I've heard it over and over.

So you would expect that if the pregnancy stopped progressing, the sack would not measure 8 weeks 3 days.  It would measure 6 weeks like it had twice before when my body realized that the pregnancy was not viable.  But it measured right on for dates.  You would expect that my hcg levels would have started dropping, but they didn't.  They continued to rise. You would expect my belly to stay flat - but it didn't.  I started LOOKING pregnant.  The kids would look at me and just say, "Wow".  People started asking me if I was pregnant.  I didn't even know how to answer...

I had hope.  They must have just missed the baby.  We told our friends that there was still a chance that we were going to have this baby after all.  We were beginning to relax and feel happy that we would be blessed again.  I was due on my 46th birthday.  Talk about irony!!

Then one night, I had a dream.  In my dream, I heard the voice of God saying, "His name is Paul Richard.  His name is Paul Richard.  His name is Paul Richard."  Then I woke up.  I got up to go to the bathroom and I grabbed my phone and looked up the meaning of the names.  Paul means "Small" - and he is.  Right now at this moment, he is small.  Even if he is there.  If everything is going to be OK, he's the size of a grape.  That's pretty small.  Richard means "Brave Leader".  It had been the name of Kings and actors and famous people.  So I had a small, brave leader in my womb.

I went back to sleep and went back into the presence of God.  This time, I was in a place that was all light.  I walked into the light and there was a giant throne.  The biggest throne I had ever seen.  I could make out feet on the bottom of the throne.  They were wearing sandals and coming out of the bottom of a white robe.  My eyes moved upward toward the face, but I couldn't see a face.  Just light.  Pure light - like looking directly into the sun.  Then I heard the same voice I had heard just a few moments before.  It said, "I have called him by name.  He is mine."

Then, as fast as I had entered into the holiest of places - the throneroom of God - I was back in my own bed, pondering what that was all about.  I didn't particularly like the name.  I would not have chosen it.  I laughed at the fact that I had taken 13 months to teach my Sunday School class an exogetical study of the book of Acts, which was all about Paul.  Everywhere I turned, I was reminded of Acts.  What an obvious choice for my son...

A friend called to say that she had had a dream.  The night before I had told her I was pregnant, she had dreamed that our family was at her house.  I was pregnant and we had shared the news that the baby was a boy... Now she called again to say she had another dream.  This time I was at her house and we were folding my laundry on her couch - and it was little blue shirts and blue baby clothes.  I teased that she didn't know how to fold boy clothes because she was the mother of daughters.

Further confirmation.  I was having a baby, and he was a boy -- and his name would be Paul Richard.

Hope swelled within me.  Then I would plummet.  Yes, I am pregnant.  Yes I feel pregnant.  Yes, I look pregnant.  My hormones are still raging.  Coffee makes me gag.  The nausea was overwhelming.  BUT, I saw the empty sack with my own eyes.  But it happens.  The baby HAS to be in there.  Just wait.  In a few days, when I go back to the midwife, they will find the baby.  He will be kicking away in there.  His heart will be beating wildly.  I will be so in love with that little guy.  They wouldn't be able to tell that he was a boy yet, at 11 weeks, but he was.  I knew his name.  I was folding his little blue clothes.  BUT I saw the empty sack with my own eyes...

I was up, I was down.  I was up, I was up, I was down.  I would say to Mike, "So, what do you think?" and he would answer, "I don't know.  We'll just have to wait and see."  "Easy for you to say," I would reply. "You are not constantly looking down at an ever growing belly and being reminded that he is in there."

We were remodeling our bathroom.  I needed to get out of the feeling of "limbo" I had been in since January.  Am I? Am I not? Am I? Am I not? 

Then, the kids all got a tummy bug and between painting the ceiling and the shelves in the bathroom, we were cleaning up barf and running with buckets.  First one was down, then another.  The first was better, then the third started,  It was a long week that ended with me getting it.  A night spent in the bathroom.  Horrid, horrid stuff.

By Saturday, I was feeling better.  Most of the kids were gone to other places.  The older kids were at a retreat.  The next one down was at a friend's house.  Mike was gone on a day trip to run an errand with a friend.  I was alone with the little ones.  I spent the day excited about having a baby and worried that I wouldn't.

That night, as I prepared for bed, there was just the slightest little tinge of pink on the toilet paper.  But I knew.  I knew.  

The next morning, the pink was darker pink - and then red mucous.  And it had begun.  The beginning of the end.

I sat at my desk and prepared for my Sunday School lesson.  It was from James 2:21.  It was about Abraham's faith - Abraham, our father - who had been given the assurance that his son had big plans. He was to be a brave leader.  He was to be the father of a nation...but God told him to put an end to his life.  Sacrifice your promised son.  Give him to Me.  Do you trust Me? Do you love Me?  Put your faith into action, Abraham.  Do what I tell you, because I know the ultimate plan.  TRUST ME, Abraham.  Do you trust Me?  And he did.  Abraham trusted.  Unless I miss my guess, there were sleepless nights before he put legs to his faith and gathered his son and a bundle of firewood - and headed up the mountain,  He was a father.  This was his child.  This child he loved.  He had a promise.  BUT, he trusted God above all else.  He knew God loved him and he knew that if God willed it, he would raise his son from the dead if need be.  He HAD to trust God.  He just HAD to.  And he did.  And you know the story.  Just as he raised his hand to take his son's life, God stopped him.  He just needed to know that he trusted Him.  He would provide a sacrifice.  Take your son from the altar, Abraham.  You have passed the test.

I dressed for church, feeling numb.  God gave me a son.  He gave me a promise.  He was to be a brave leader - though he was small.  Now he was going to be taken away.  Did God have a job for him to do in heaven, like his brother?  Would he be a leader there? How was I going to teach this lesson?  How would I stand in front of my class and tell them that we must have faith in our crisis moment, when I was facing a crisis moment?

I did.  I taught the lesson.  I talked about trusting God in our crisis.  I talked about how our faith HAS to be so strong that it produces spiritual fruit.  Faith without works is dead.  Then I told them about my crisis.  There were tears - not just mine.  My friend, Sylvia, asked if she could put action to her faith and pray for me and Mike - right then.  She did.  It was a healing balm to the soul.

I sat and cried through the service and then as half the congregation was away at a retreat and we were short staffed, I went down to teach Junior Church during the sermon.  I hadn't prepared a lesson, so I told them what I knew.  We talked about heaven.  We talked about who was there and what it looked like and how one day, if we have asked Jesus into our heart, we will go there.  We will walk on streets of gold and see rainbows of jewels and bask in the light of God that lights the city and the lamp of his Son, the Lamb.

Then I asked them to draw pictures of what they think heaven is like.  One picture had a unicorn blowing a trumpet and a jet.  Because you get to heaven on a big jet and you fly round and round and round. One showed the throne.  The same throne I had seen a few nights before.  The same feet at the bottom of the throne - and a teeny, tiny angel sitting on the foot - to show how BIG God is.  Another showed a huge building with lots and lots of windows - and a horse coral off to the side.

Monday morning, labor started. The contractions came on hard and long.  For four hours, I labored, passing what was to be a boy named Paul - a small, brave leader.  The contractions stopped abruptly and the cramps took over.  In my abdoman, back and down into my thighs. Standing hurt, lying down hurt, sitting hurt.  My tailbone hurt, by sit bones hurt.  My heart hurt. 

The cramps would continue until Tuesday night... about 36 hours later - when my body finally let go of that last piece of the life giving placenta.  Then, as fast as it started, it stopped.  I remember that feeling of relief when the placenta is delivered.  I am usually holding my newborn and looking into their eyes and telling them how much I love them.  Then, we cut the cord and the physical bond that has held us together for the past 40 weeks.  And then a new life begins.

"All God's Children" by Danny Hahlbohm

But not this time,  This time, Paul flew straight from my womb into the waiting arms of His Creator.  He is there now.  Someone is holding him.  Maybe it's God himself?  Maybe it's Jesus? Or maybe his big brother Jonathan, who would be 11 or 12 now, is holding him. Maybe his sister, Katie is telling him what it's like to live in heaven and that Mama and Daddy will be there soon.  Maybe his brother Andrew, who has only been there for five months - is telling him about that day that he met Mama and told her that she wouldn't understand right now, but he had to go.  "And she'll know that you couldn't help it that you had to leave her.  She knows where we are and they will be here with us forever and ever some day."

"God's not finished with Mama and Daddy on earth yet.  He has a job for them to do there, Paul.  Just like He has a job for us here, they have work to do there.  But some day, we will all be together."  Sean and Melissa are nodding in agreement.  They look forward to that day, too.

At least that's how I imagine it.  Six little treasures - doing the work they were created to do - looking expectantly ahead to the day we will all be together.

“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard,
Nor have entered into the heart of man
The things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”

1 Corinthians 2:9

So, what have we learned this time around?  I don't know yet.  I know that just as before, I was chosen to be the vessel that ushered a precious life from this world into the next.  I know that God was with us every single step of the way.  I know that just as Abraham trusted God in his crisis moment, so should we.  

I know that the morning of my sonogram, God gave me this verse from Psalm 30:11:  "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness."

I know that day will come.

I also know that I still have a calling to educate those around us about how to help those who are hurting.  Many people don't know what to say or do - so afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing - they do nothing.  THAT is the wrong thing.

My next blog post will address what to do when a friend loses a child.

(For those of you who know me in real life, PLEASE NOTE:  My parents have been through a great deal in the past year.  My father is in a nursing home and my mother has her hands full. We have not shared this pregnancy or miscarriage with them to protect them from further pain and hurt.  PLEASE HONOR THEM BY NOT FEELING THE NEED TO HURT THEM FURTHER BY SHARING THIS INFORMATION WITH THEM.  We would greatly appreciate your assistance in this area. Thank you!)

Draw a Circle

The second Sunday School Series I taught was called "Draw a Circle" and it was about seeking Revival in our homes, our church, our community and our nation by experiencing personal revival.  How do we do that?

One Sunday I brought a box of chalk with me and gave everyone in my class a piece of chalk.  I told them about the Evangelist Gypsy Smith who saw Revival around the nation when he spoke at churches in the early 1900's.   One day, a man asked him what to do to experience revival as Rev. Smith did.  Gypsy Smith told him to go into his room and kneel on the floor.  Then he said to take a piece of chalk and draw a circle completely around himself.  Then... pray fervently that God would send Revival to everyone inside that circle.

How can we experience Revival on a large scale if we have not experienced revival on a personal scale?

I challenged my class to take that piece of chalk and do the same thing.  I often go to the woods to pray.  My chalk didn't work on the dirt under the trees where I prayed, so I started gathering rocks and I formed a circle out of them.  Now, when I tell my family I'm going to "my circle", they know right where I'm going.

In my previous post, I mentioned that this is where I stood when I sobbed and cried my heart out to God in the midst of my last miscarriage.  This is where I went a couple days later to rejoice over the blessing He had given me.  I often go there and just talk to God - out loud - like He is sitting there with me.

It was after I had made my circle that I realized that I was doing all the talking, and then I would leave.  I realized that conversations are back and forth, so one day after I prayed, I just sat there and listened.  God revealed a lot to me that day.  Since then, that has been my practice.  I talk to God about all the stuff that's going on in my life.  I ask Him for advice.  I pray for my husband and my kids and my family and friends and my church.  I pray for revival.  Then I wait.  Those are the times I am inspired.  I come home and write a note to a friend or call someone or write a Newsletter article. I think through problems and wait...

Be still and know that I am God. - Psalm 46:10

If you would like to be challenged to Draw a Circle and see what God will do in your life, please download the .pdf called Draw a Circle: A guide for seeking personal revival from OneCry.com

While you are there, look around.  

What Is the OneCry Movement?

A Nationwide Call to Spiritual Awakening

OneCry is a movement of believers who are urgently crying out to God to revive the church and transform the culture. It isn't an organization, program, or event. It's a movement of like-minded people, churches, and organizations who agree that our nation needs a dramatic turnaround—but not the kind that comes from different politics, more education, or a better economy. Instead, it's a cry to God for spiritual transformation of our hearts, homes, and communities. We believe that extraordinary things will happen as we turn from sin and seek God together!

Won't you join us?

Watermark - Glory Baby

We discovered this song after we had our first miscarriage.  It was such a source of encouragement and healing. I hope it helps someone else who has had the honor of carrying a Glory Baby - no matter how long you got to be the vessel. - God Bless You.

What it took me five miscarriages to learn...

Weeping may last though the night, but joy comes with the morning. - Psalm 30:5b

Laughing Baby by Jean Keaton.  We have several of Jean's prints on display in our home.  They have been a source of comfort as we said good-bye to our babies, knowing that they are in the loving arms of God.  You may order prints at Jean Keaton Inspired Art.

If you have not yet read Another Loss...the story of our miscarriages, I recommend you start there. You will see the transformation from one who can't fully trust through the blinding tears of loss into one who has truly been set free.

Sometimes, we think we have healed and "gotten over" our pain.  Then, the same kind of storm comes and knocks down the house we have rebuilt and we realize that we never really got over it.

Such was the case with me and my miscarriages.  Yes, with each loss, I found comfort in the loving arms of God.  I knew He was trying to teach me to trust, but I couldn't.  I said I did.  I said I had faith.  But truth be told, I secretly held a grudge.  I quietly resented God. I saw each loss as a punishment.  God was taking something precious away from me to teach me a lesson or to punish me for something.  But now I understand... I was looking at it all wrong.

And it took FIVE miscarriages before I figured it out.

As I said in the previous post, each time I saw two lines on a pregnancy test after that first loss, my faith and trust went out the window.  How could I trust God?  Five times He gave me a baby and then in a matter of weeks, He took it away from me.  Now that I know what I know, I can't believe how childish and arrogant that idea was...

After my fifth loss, I had a dream.  In that dream, I saw my baby...a son. And what he told me in the dream was the key to understanding.  He said that Jesus had a job for him to do (in heaven) and that he knew I wouldn't understand right now, but someday I would.

As I thought about that, God spoke healing into my soul and gave me understanding.  You see, He wasn't taking my baby away from me.  He was allowing me to be the vessel that would carry a perfect child of God until the appointed time.  God is the only one who knows the appointed time, because He is the one who writes our days in His book.

Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."  God knew our little ones before they were conceived.  Psalm 139:16 says, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Through four losses, I read that last verse with sadness - thinking that our babies' days were not to be.  But I was so wrong.  They are living out their days, but not on earth.  They are in glory, doing the job that was ordained for them.

And no, I don't understand that.  I supposed one day I will - when I get there.  Does the Bible say anywhere that those who die have jobs to do in heaven?  Not to my knowledge, but I do know that God speaks through dreams and He gives us understanding of the scripture.  I'm certainly not going to get up in church Sunday and preach this as doctrine.  But I do know that God has done a work in my heart, and he has healed me and set me free.

-I am so honored to be the vessel that carried Jonathan Michael for 14 weeks - his appointed time.
(Jonathan means "God gives" and Michael means "One who is like God".)
 - I am so honored to be the vessel that carried Katie Faith for 16 weeks - her appointed time.
(Katherine means Pure - her name means "Pure Faith".)
   - I am so honored to be the vessel that carried Sean Emmanuel for 9 short weeks - his appointed time.
(Sean means "God is gracious" and Emmanuel means "God is with us".)
     - I am so honored to be the vessel that carried Melissa Joy, whose unformed body remained unformed, but who is living in a glorified body today - for 9 weeks, until her appointed time.
(Melissa means "honey" - one who is sweet and Joy means "Joy" - Sweet Joy.)
       - I am so honored to be the vessel that carried Andrew Stephen's unformed body and to have been trusted with being in his presence for a few short moments while he taught me more than I learned on my own in twelve years...
(Andrew means "Strong" and Stephen means "Crown". It was his strength that carried me through.)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. - James 1:2-4

Today, in the midst of my loss, as my body still heals and recovers from the physical rigors of a miscarriage, I am at peace in my spirit.  I will see my children one day.  I am blessed by every one of my blessings.  Those who live with me here - the ones who are almost adults - who have become my friends as much as my children, are a blessing to me.  Those we are still molding and shaping into the men and women God wants them to be - whose laughter and grace fill our home are special blessings.  Those whose days are still filled with play and imagination, who are not too old to greet me with hugs and kisses - they are gifts from God. Our babies who giggle and laugh and openly express their love while they play - bring joy to our hearts. Going home will be like Christmas - we will get to open the gifts that have been under the tree with our name on them for so long.  Heaven is sounding sweeter all the time.