Weeping may last though the night, but joy comes with the morning. - Psalm 30:5b
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| Laughing Baby by Jean Keaton. We have several of Jean's prints on display in our home. They have been a source of comfort as we said good-bye to our babies, knowing that they are in the loving arms of God. You may order prints at Jean Keaton Inspired Art. |
If you have not yet read Another Loss...the story of our miscarriages, I recommend you start there. You will see the transformation from one who can't fully trust through the blinding tears of loss into one who has truly been set free.
Sometimes, we think we have healed and "gotten over" our pain. Then, the same kind of storm comes and knocks down the house we have rebuilt and we realize that we never really got over it.
Such was the case with me and my miscarriages. Yes, with each loss, I found comfort in the loving arms of God. I knew He was trying to teach me to trust, but I couldn't. I said I did. I said I had faith. But truth be told, I secretly held a grudge. I quietly resented God. I saw each loss as a punishment. God was taking something precious away from me to teach me a lesson or to punish me for something. But now I understand... I was looking at it all wrong.
And it took FIVE miscarriages before I figured it out.
As I said in the previous post, each time I saw two lines on a pregnancy test after that first loss, my faith and trust went out the window. How could I trust God? Five times He gave me a baby and then in a matter of weeks, He took it away from me. Now that I know what I know, I can't believe how childish and arrogant that idea was...
After my fifth loss, I had a dream. In that dream, I saw my baby...a son. And what he told me in the dream was the key to understanding. He said that Jesus had a job for him to do (in heaven) and that he knew I wouldn't understand right now, but someday I would.
As I thought about that, God spoke healing into my soul and gave me understanding. You see, He wasn't taking my baby away from me. He was allowing me to be the vessel that would carry a perfect child of God until the appointed time. God is the only one who knows the appointed time, because He is the one who writes our days in His book.
Jeremiah 1:5 says, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you." God knew our little ones before they were conceived. Psalm 139:16 says, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Through four losses, I read that last verse with sadness - thinking that our babies' days were not to be. But I was so wrong. They are living out their days, but not on earth. They are in glory, doing the job that was ordained for them.
And no, I don't understand that. I supposed one day I will - when I get there. Does the Bible say anywhere that those who die have jobs to do in heaven? Not to my knowledge, but I do know that God speaks through dreams and He gives us understanding of the scripture. I'm certainly not going to get up in church Sunday and preach this as doctrine. But I do know that God has done a work in my heart, and he has healed me and set me free.
-I am so honored to be the vessel that carried Jonathan Michael for 14 weeks - his appointed time.
(Jonathan means "God gives" and Michael means "One who is like God".)
- I am so honored to be the vessel that carried Katie Faith for 16 weeks - her appointed time.
(Katherine means Pure - her name means "Pure Faith".)
- I am so honored to be the vessel that carried Sean Emmanuel for 9 short weeks - his appointed time.
(Sean means "God is gracious" and Emmanuel means "God is with us".)
- I am so honored to be the vessel that carried Melissa Joy, whose unformed body remained unformed, but who is living in a glorified body today - for 9 weeks, until her appointed time.
(Melissa means "honey" - one who is sweet and Joy means "Joy" - Sweet Joy.)
- I am so honored to be the vessel that carried Andrew Stephen's unformed body and to have been trusted with being in his presence for a few short moments while he taught me more than I learned on my own in twelve years...
(Andrew means "Strong" and Stephen means "Crown". It was his strength that carried me through.)
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. - James 1:2-4
Today, in the midst of my loss, as my body still heals and recovers from the physical rigors of a miscarriage, I am at peace in my spirit. I will see my children one day. I am blessed by every one of my blessings. Those who live with me here - the ones who are almost adults - who have become my friends as much as my children, are a blessing to me. Those we are still molding and shaping into the men and women God wants them to be - whose laughter and grace fill our home are special blessings. Those whose days are still filled with play and imagination, who are not too old to greet me with hugs and kisses - they are gifts from God. Our babies who giggle and laugh and openly express their love while they play - bring joy to our hearts. Going home will be like Christmas - we will get to open the gifts that have been under the tree with our name on them for so long. Heaven is sounding sweeter all the time.
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